So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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