I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
