peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
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