i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
