i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
