either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
