no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
