Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
