I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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