and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
