hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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