DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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