Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
