Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
