It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
