getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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