Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
