Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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