how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
