I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
