there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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