I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
