i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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