to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
