Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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