pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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