so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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