Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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