she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
