she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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