I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
