I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
