How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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