mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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