i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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