Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
