bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
