Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
