Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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