Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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