shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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