I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
