We won't sleep together?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
