How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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