It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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