when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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