So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
