If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
