mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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