Your mouth is God's brothel.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
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She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
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Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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