Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Houston, we have a squirter
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
