so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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