i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
