got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
