I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
