Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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