Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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