I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
