spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
