Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
